The One Who's Always Doing The Choosing

 There's a strange kind of loneliness that comes from always feeling like your the second choice.

Not necessarily because someone tells you that you are, but because of the way things happen.  You notice who gets chosen first. Who gets the phone calls. who gets the invitations. Who gets the effort without having to ask for it. And eventually, you start wondering, When is it going to be me?

I feel like i'm always the one doing the choosing. I'm always the one deciding who i want around, who i want to talk to, who i want to give another chance to. I'm constantly making decisions about people, but i rarely feel like someone is making that same decision about me. 

And honestly, I'm tired of it. 

I don't want to always be the person who cares first. I don't want to wonder whether someone actually wants me around or if i'm just convenient. I want to know what it feels like to be chosen without having to question it.  

Maybe that's the part that hurts the most.. not being alone, but wondering if someone would choose me if they had every option in the world.

I don't want to be someone's backup plan. I don't want to be the person they come back to when the first choice doesn't work out. I want to be someone's "Of course i choose you. And only you" 

Maybe i've spent to much time choosing other people that i forgot to ask myself why i keep accepting places where i'm not being chosen back. 

And maybe the real question isn't just, when am i going to be chosen?

Maybe it's, When am i going to stop settling for being an option? 

Because i know i deserve to be someone's first choice. 

I just wish i knew when it would finally be my turn.

So i ask you, Who are you still choosing that has never chosen you back? 

XOXO, DIVA